#Sexism and #Inequality

A gentleman direct messaged me with the assertion: “inequality between genders is no longer a thing…” He included the assertions that he’s not trying to troll, that men are actually disadvantaged now, and that he’s just trying to be informed. I’ll begin by recommending people who believe these statements to do a bit of research – starting with government provided, publicly available-to-all statistics. I’ll continue by posing a few questions and sharing a few examples:

Were you aware that women in the Trump WH make 63¢ on the dollar that men make?

Were you aware that women, until the ACA, were charged nearly double what men were charged for healthcare – and that was BEFORE adding pregnancy coverage?

Were you aware that businesses and companies STILL refuse to talk to wives unless definitively specified by their husbands – but that no such limitation exists for men. My husband and I have a loan on our home; my name is on the title. But, when the mortgage company calls, they refuse to speak to me beyond leaving a contact number and message for my husband. Yet, the credit card which is in MY NAME, from the same company, upon which my husband is merely an approved user, has no qualms with full disclosure to my husband.

Were you aware that on average in America women make 79¢ to the dollar men make for the same jobs – and that we women are delighted with this “progress” over the last fifty years or so.

Were you aware that women alone are less likely to be approved for mortgages? Were you aware that women alone are less likely to be approved for small business loans?

Were you aware that women who do manage to get approved for loans are likely to be approved for LESS than men with the same financial prospects?

EXAMPLES OF SEXISM:
When my husband called a flooring company out for an estimate, they came and met with him and never considered me. When I tried to schedule a few appointments with competitors to compare costs, they would not meet with me unless “both decision makers” were present. My husband called two of them back and nothing was mentioned of “both decision makers” when he scheduled their visits.

Have you ever met a man who lost a job because he was having a baby? I personally lost a career job for that reason – I lost a baby, did not miss one day of work, but was foolish enough to answer the boss’ question when he asked if I was going to keep trying to get pregnant. Next thing I know, this award winning graphic designer was out of a job.

I know numerous women – especially service sector workers – who’ve lost their jobs because of their pregnancies. They return from a few weeks of maternity leave to find their job gone and they’ve been relegated to demotion (a common occurrence professionally); or, more likely, they don’t get enough hours put on the schedule to be able to afford to keep that job – that’s what getting pushed out of a job looks like in the service sector.

I’ve also worked jobs where I trained guys, who went on to be promoted above me.

Was that a man thrown out of the Speaker of the House’s corridor for dressing for the weather in DC? It was not.

Is it a common occurrence for women to push past men and grope them? It is for women.

Is it a common occurrence for people to comment on men’s bodies either negatively or positively? It is for women.

Is it a common occurrence for people to tell men, during serious and/or profession conversations that they need to smile? It is for women.

Do men get told to “let it go” or “sit down and be quiet” or “laugh it off” or – worst of all – “that’s just the way things are?” Women and girls are told these kinds of things all the time.

Have you ever been advised not to go somewhere public just to preserve your physical safety? Women are advised not to walk alone anywhere, especially at night. Women are taught to makes sure someone knows who they’re with and where they’re going. Women are taught that getting into a car with a new guy is accepting the physical risks that implies.

Have you ever been warned not to dress as you see fit because it entices sexual advances? Women and girls are told that all the time.

Have you ever had your male biology legislated? All non-CIS-male biologies are legislated.

Does a man have to fight for access to birth control?

Does a man have to fight for access to his little blue pill?

Is there any law concerning men even approaching the recent law in Arkansas requiring women to get the sperm donor’s permission for an abortion – even if the sperm donor is the woman’s rapist? The list of examples could go on to fill a dozen libraries… or more.

Inequality is real. There is inequality in gender and in ethnicity. If you are genuinely seeking an enlightened social intellect, it begins with being willing to accept the fact of inequality. Gains in equality are not taking anything from the fortunate-birth white-CIS-male biology; it is merely sharing the privileges with all persons which are accorded white-CIS-males by virtue of birth. See, that’s what “privilege” is: it is an advantage in life that has nothing to do with talent or skill or deservedness. The struggle for gender equality, ultimately, is the struggle for equality for all humanity.

Sexism and Ingrained Misogyny

It’s interesting the way MEN who’ve never had to face the immersive totality of sexism and culturally ingrained misogyny feel so confident condemning the very idea of such ingrained gender discrimination. Look… I get it. No guy thinks he is a misogynist. No guy who considers himself an honorable person wants to accept such a glaring defect in his social intellect. That’s why misogyny still exists. And yes, women can be culturally ingrained anti-feminist misogynists too. People with the social intellect to recognize the problem and brave enough to call it out are attacked by those who are too squeamish to acknowledge their own ingrained, casual misogyny.

Sure… you guys don’t beat your wife or kids. You don’t make your women wear burkas. You don’t have a problem with women working. You don’t sell your daughters in marriage. Heck… you’re probably even all for lesbian intimacy for entertainment. 

Truthfully, we are all – every single human being – guilty of prejudices both gender and ethnic based. We’ve been taught those prejudices from the cradle. Factually, most of us recognize the wrong of those prejudices and try to overcome them. Ingrained prejudices – whether sexism or ethnic are casual because they are UNINTENDED. No one is accusing people who express ingrained prejudices of trying to oppress anyone. 

For the gentlemen reading this… Benefit of the doubt: You are evolved men who would never think of oppressing women.


That’s NOT The Same Thing As Ingrained Misogyny. 

It’s something even more deeply insidious. Most likely, it’s something you do or say completely unwares. It’s probably something akin to what I personally experienced with my own father. My father loves me and has always been proud of me and my talents. He took me to what I think was an art museum (or some kind of picture exhibit) when I was a child and I looked up at a painting in which the eyes seemed to follow you about the room. I said to him that I was going to learn to paint like that (FYI, I did achieve that goal). However, at the time he responded with what I’m certain he believed to be a kindly response and that he was advising me with what he accepted was a necessary truth. He replied, “But, sweetheart, there are no women artists.”

I believe that most people try to understand and make an effort to think and act fairly. But, see, most folks don’t realize the way culturally ingrained misogyny comes out. You, as men, cannot have the experience of the way that misogyny cuts deep into the psyches of women and girls. You cannot experience the burning injustices of it all. It is not possible for you to understand how the cultural misogyny becomes ingrained even in women and girls. Our societies have been ingrained to live and breathe the misogyny as “just the way things are.”

Yet, consider this… Think of the recent kerfuffle over Andy Murray correcting the ingrained, casual misogyny of the reporter who asked him about “the first US player” (not just the first US man – but, the first US person) to have made it to a major semi-final since 2009 – completely ignoring the FOUR American women who’d done so well before this interview with Andy Murray.

Permit me a pause to extend MUCH kudos to Mr. Murray for his enlightened social intellect.

To continue… Put yourselves into those women’s positions… Those four American women in the world of tennis… The reporter accorded the first man to finally achieve what they had long ago achieved the accolade of being first, of being the best, being prime. Those women and their achievements did not exist for that reporter in that moment. Those amazing women athletes were relegated to LESS than the man who finally caught up with them and made the grade. 

That is sexism and ingrained misogyny.

Here is the video of the referenced interview, 

with Andy Murray’s enlightened social intellect on display…

Third Party Candidates: Political Ephemera

Stop blaming Hillary for not winning the Electoral College. Stop blaming the democrats or the republicans. Your delusions have been shattered and your vanity choices exposed for the uncompromising errors of which we kept warning you. Third party candidates were only ever vanity candidates with no legitimate chance to win – they could ONLY bleed the vote from the two major parties. 

What if there had been no third party candidates? Those republicans who voted for Johnson, would probably have voted for Hillary without Johnson’s vanity candidacy. Most of his libertarian base would likely have voted democrat too because they were virulently anti-Trump. Stein’s base certainly would have voted democrat because they are virulently anti-GOP as well as anti-Trump. 

The undeniable facts are: 

• There was NEVER a viable third-party candidate; 

• Mainstream old-school democrats were NEVER going to vote for the socialist – that boogey word is just too ingrained; 

• Right leaning independents were NEVER going to vote for the socialist; 

• Middle-of-the-road independents were NEVER going to vote for the socialist – again, people have been programmed to fear that word for too long; 

• NO REPUBLICAN would ever have crossed the isle to vote for the socialist; 

• Probably two thirds of Americans are still convinced that socialism is communism, and communism still scares the crap out of large swaths of voters over 40 (ask your dad and grandad) – ICYMI, that’s the majority of registered voters who actually get out and vote.

• BERNIE COULD NOT HAVE WON because too much of the registered voting electorate are still indoctrinated to fear the socialist.

All those things were true from day one of Bernie’s candidacy. All those things were true from day one of the the third party candidacies. Bernie achieved so much that just went POOF on November 8th. Bernie made democrats and progressives stop being offended or embarrassed for being called “liberals.” Bernie made the left stand up and own the progressive liberal agenda. It was all within our grasp. Hillary and Bernie were always within 3% agreement on everything – they voted the same in the Senate 97% of the time.

Third party candidates were and are ONLY political ephemera; they’re just background static drowning out the realities of our election system. The delusion of political ephemera left us with this bleak reality of our dystopian, Trumpian future. Third party voters, BernieOrBust folks, all the people carping on the emails as if those were worse than the racist, self-proclaimed sexual predator’s own evil words that we ALL heard on repeat… All those Americans who bought the anti-Hillary witch-hunts handed this country over to Trump. 

Your Hate wasn’t even really about Hillary. Many of you, if you were able to be deeply honest with yourselves, would have to admit that your full-throated hatred for Hillary was really just a convenient target for all your bigotries. Hating Hillary was the new “Nixon Southern Strategy.” Yes, the media helped. Yes, James Comey and the FBI helped. Yes, the Russians helped. Yes, Assange helped. But YOU – you, the voters, lapped it up… you didn’t care about the truth… you wanted the lies… you craved the innuendo… YOU fed your Hate… you coddled it… you stroked it… you turned against Bernie over it… YOU laid waste to Bernie’s legacy and to our American Ideal for your Hate. 

You blinded yourselves with the smoke of that political ephemera. You subsumed yourselves into the beast of Hate, became it’s beating heart. As the song says, “[You stabbed] it with [your] steely knives but [you] just can’t kill the beast.” You made yourselves the beating heart of the Hate… and now, we are all fodder for it’s appetites.

You deluded yourselves with political ephemera. You had to have all-or-nothing… Well, how does NOTHING feel now?

What I feel is beyond hurt. I’m probably a dead woman walking and my twelve year old son knows that. Because some BernieBros “feelings” were hurt when they couldn’t have their all-or-nothing, scorched earth agenda. What I feel isn’t just hurt. What I and everyone at risk from a Trump presidency feel is true, world-shattering loss.

The mostly white BernieBros – who will never be empathetic enough nor self-aware enough feel guilty for their part in this travesty – aren’t feeling afraid. They’re feelings are hurt because they didn’t win. I get that. But, in retaliation, they struck a killing blow to me and mine. It’s that simple.

from Democratic Underground

WOMEN victim shaming Trump’s accusers?

Explain this, please. Trump proudly proclaims his sexual predation. He proudly proclaims he can do whatever he wants to women just because he’s “a celebrity.” He’s been telling the world for DECADES that he’s a sexual deviant, a predator – every woman’s nightmare! YOU, his supporters, keep claiming you like him because you think he’s more honest, with that oft-repeated refrain, “He tells it like it is.” So… he told you and the world – AGAIN, for DECADES – how it is… how he’s treated and spoken about women. But – when women actually come forward, telling you that, yes, Donald J. Trump did to them EXACTLY what he told the world he did – suddenly he isn’t telling the truth? So… when, precisely, did he LIE? Was it when he said he did those things? Or was it when he said he didn’t do those things? Which LIE is the LIE? How men can defend him isn’t really that shocking. Men have been excusing the Trumps of this world all along. What I cannot fathom is other women defending him.

Victim shaming from a fellow woman is insufferable! Saying these women are lying because they didn’t come forward sooner is not just wrong, it’s despicable. Do you really think that way?

So… tell me then… why was it thirty years later before I talked about being molested on a Trailways bus at thirteen years old? I was supposed to be sitting in the seat behind the driver, as my mother and the Memphis bus depot manager told the driver. I got up to use the bathroom and when I came back, some woman had moved into my seat. When I told the driver, he told me to grow up and just sit somewhere. I sat in the seat that woman had vacated at the back of the bus – the only open seat. I was molested. When I complained to the driver, telling him the man was “talkin’ nasty to me and kept trying to hug me,” the driver snapped, “Sit down and quit making a fuss.” Twenty-hour or so later, I didn’t tell my Gran what happened because I’d come to the belief I’d done something wrong!

Tell me then, why, as a young professional woman, I kept quiet about all those times some deplorable excuse for a man pushed past me so that he had to rub against me, touching my breasts. That kind of thing happened over the course of three decades at work, by various skeezing pricks. And, the one time I spoke up, the man’s defense was that because I’m so generously endowed my breasts were at fault – and the MEN running the review board agreed with his excuse!

Tell me then, why my college friend, who was raped by her athlete boyfriend, didn’t report it until two years later when he finally hurt someone and they reported him from the hospital and almost half-a-dozen other girls on campus came forward with date-rape accusations against him. He was never arrested and was back on the field the next semester. Those girls were all blamed and shamed – one of them tried to kill herself. It didn’t even make the news off campus!

Tell me why women would keep something like that to themselves? Tell me why women would come forward knowing they were going to be shamed and vilified – blamed for their own victimization? Tell me why Trump can repeatedly tell the world how he assaulted women – on video all over YouTube, in magazine and news articles of interviews HE gave, in his OWN books, in audio and video to Howard Stern FOR DECADES, as well as on that damning Billy Bush tape – yet, when women actually tell you that he did what he proclaimed he’d done, YOU don’t believe them?

It’s not just what I’ve endured. The thing is, most of it is what all women endure. Who hasn’t had some man accidentally-on-purpose brush up too intimately against them? Who hasn’t had some guy on a first date take advantage of the good night kiss and decide to put her hand on his already exposed, sweaty member? Who hasn’t had some man at work put his hand in the small of her back, pressing just that little bit too close? Who hasn’t had some man at work or church or the library or where ever always find some excuse to be touching you, making you uncomfortable. Who has felt some man stalking over her shoulder at work making her squirm at the border-line indecency of it? Who hasn’t had some man skeeze up to her at a party or in a club? Who hasn’t had a man take indecent liberties, even in crowds? We’ve all experienced one or more or those things and/or know women who’ve experienced it.

This fetid misogyny has always been women’s reality. This should NEVER be our reality.

I just want to make clear to any fellow woman, engaging in victim shaming, that she and we have all had to deal with the Trumps of this world. The truth is not in you if you claim otherwise. You are a direct hindrance to the start down a path to forever ending this OPPRESSION of half the human population!

I would add, also, for those who get their hackles up at terms like “insufferable” or “deplorable,” that the terms are accurate descriptors of attitudes such attitudes. Yes, we should always be more kind whenever possible. But, the kind of bigotry and misogyny currently on display, by other women against our own gender is both insufferable and deplorable. One can only hope such women – and men – will recognize this and not add irredeemable to the descriptors.

It is not efficacious to ignore the truth of such attitudes. The people who’ve been telling us we can’t say those things are the people to whose words and deeds those descriptors fit. Indeed, it may be unkind to call them those things, but it would be a greater unkindness NOT to call out such words and deeds for what they are. Those who are the targets of such vitriol and hatred deserve that we condemn such words and deeds in the harshest of terms.

Women victim shaming MUST NOT EVER BE TOLERATED by the rest of us women! We know that statistically every single one of us will be or is a victim, and knows or will know women who are victims.

Now, we women KNOW that most of the men in this world are DECENT MEN. We know the Trumps are a small minority. We know the Billy Bushes, those wannabe-Trumps, who are titillated by that kind of predatory machismo are also in the minority – though a rather larger minority. We also know that those of our own gender, acting as defenders of the Trumps of this world have internalized the misogyny and sexism of the Trumps and the Billy Bushes.

But, we also know that the DECENT MEN have too often responded by advising us to change ourselves or our activities to avoid the danger of harassment. We’re advised not to walk or run alone on the trail. We’re warned not to walk alone in our own neighborhoods at night. We’re warned not to get in the car with a new guy we’re dating – to meet somewhere public at first, or on a double or group date. We’re advised not to find ourselves alone with a possible predator. We’re advised not to dress or speak or walk or look a certain way so we won’t draw attention to ourselves. Throughout history, we’re the ones who were covered up and enveloped. We’re the ones who were not allowed where the men go. By DECENT MEN to protect us. Why are we marginalized and held accountable for that minority of Trumps and “Bushies” in the world? Why haven’t the DECENT MEN of the world dealt with the victimizers instead of making the victims responsible for avoiding victimization?

And, when we break with any of those advisements that have been drilled into us all our lives, how are we to be expected to NOT blame ourselves? And, being taught all our lives that we must prevent our own victimization, how are to be expected to come forward without trepidation? Why must we bear any guilt?

We KNOW most are DECENT MEN. What we don’t know is why the DECENT MEN haven’t shut down the Trumps and the “Bushies” of this world.

Trump’s fetid misogyny isn’t new.

The evidence is everywhere… in print… in video… in audio. More and more and more of Trump’s vile and fetid misogyny and sexism. Trump is a predator – the kind of predator to which you fear the women you love will be subjected. It’s not new and barely shocking anymore. I wish Trump and the pornographic nature of his attitude was a singular example of the worst in men that women face. Disturbingly, that’s not the case… Trump is only the most public example of a poison in our society women have always faced, that decent men – and we women know that’s most men – do not and/or will not see. You choose NOT to see our reality – this should never be our reality.

There’s an undercurrent of humiliation that the Trumps and the Billy Bushes of this world have made a numbing constant in the lives of girls and women. It’s part of an everyday, everywhere message that we don’t matter enough to be respected as a person. The personhood women is subsumed by the personhood of men… we are women before we are human.

I make a plea on behalf of women and girls everywhere: As long as other men continue to tolerate that kind of speech and attitude, even in the locker room, the misogyny and sexism and chauvinism and gender discrimination and sexual harassment and rape culture will continue to plague the lives of every woman you know. Please – EVERY decent man – stand loudly and always against the rampant misogyny and mistreatment of women that the 2016 GOP candidate represents. Be the voice and leader of decent men standing as one against the Trumps of this world. You’ve condemned his latest revelation of vile and repugnant sexism and predation. Please make it your personal crusade to end this assault on women and girls everywhere from men like this. It may only be a few men who think this way, but they are everywhere as we women try to navigate our lives. IT IS OPPRESSION – it makes us feel marginalized. 

It makes us afraid to go alone to public spaces like clubs or restaurants or the gym or even to walk alone in our own neighborhoods at night. It hurts us when the men who should defend us just say we shouldn’t have been in the public spaces where we are harassed and abused. It breaks us to be held accountable by the men who should defend us for the abuse by the Trumps of this world.

If you love a woman… if you know a woman, get out front and lead all decent men to stop the Trumps of this world, to educate the next generations of boys who will be the men in the lives of your daughters. Be the leader of change!

As a woman who has faced the groping Trump describes from early adolescence onward, too many times to count…

As a woman who has faced gender and sexual harassment in public leisure spaces…

As the friend of women I’ve known (most of them) who also had to and still have to face gender and sexual harassment in public leisure spaces…

As a woman who has faced gender and sexual harassment in the workplace…

As the friend of women I’ve known (again – MOST of them) who also had to and still have to face gender and sexual harassment in the workplace…

As a woman who has more than once been personally inundated by such vile speech…

As a friend who has heard and hears other women subjected to such vile speech…

As a woman who is a surviver of an incestuous pedophile…

As a woman who has more than once dealt with attempted acquaintance rape and dealt with acquaintance rape…

As a sister of a sibling who was a victim of acquaintance rape…

As the friend of a woman who was the victim of incestuous rape…

As a woman who, as an adolescent, lived through violent, attempted gang rape IN MIDDLE SCHOOL…

As the sister of another sibling who was a victim of violent rape…

As the friend of a woman who was stalked, raped, and nearly killed…

As the mother of a young son whom I know has already heard this kind of puerile and VILE speech from some of his peers…

I wonder how many men have listened to such reprobate and repugnant humiliation of women from their peers? I wonder how many men have watched porn and admired characters who, like Trump, revel unchecked in such narcissistic self-entitlement?  I wonder how many men perhaps saw that character’s sense of entitlement as a kind of power they wish they held? I wonder how many men, now so appalled by Trump’s degenerate speech towards women, laughed and tittered over it just as Billy Bush did when they heard one of their own peers talk that way in the locker room?  

I wonder if the men, now so appalled by Trump’s contemptible denigration of women will finally understand that every single woman you know has been and will be subjected to that kind of misogyny throughout our lives. No… it’s not everyday. No… it’s not ALL – nor even MOST men… Yes… it’s only a few men – BUT THOSE MEN ARE EVERYWHERE as we women try to navigate our daily lives.

Once again, Trump didn’t originate the poison – he only displayed the putrid rot that everyone was ignoring. He’s not the only man who thinks and behaves this way. Billy Bush isn’t the only man to empower such disgusting misogyny with his skeeze reveling. This is… and has been… and continues to be the reality of women’s lives.

Your mothers… your sisters… your wives… your daughters… We live every day of our lives with the knowledge that our bodies – our personhoods – are not safe. This kind of predator has been and continues to be our reality – dismissed… demeaned… ignored by the men who love us, befriend us… by the men who should be on the forefront in holding the Trumps of this world accountable. Every time you DON’T speak out… every time you DON’T intervene, you enable the sexual predator.

YOU personally know women who have been subjected to the Trumps of this world. If you do nothing, you put your own hand with his grabbing at us, groping us. PROCURER!

If you, the decent men in this world, do not hear us now and stop Trump and all men like him then how can we trust any of you?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

To you defenders of Trump…

To you dismissing those tapes as “locker room talk…”

SHUT UP! Just slither back under the rock you oozed out from under and SHUT UP! Women have had to face the Trumps of this world all our lives! ON OUR OWN because of people like YOU! YOU and every enabler are more guilty than the Trumps of the discrimination, harassment, abuse, assault, victimization, marginalization – OPPRESSION – that is the reality of women’s lives! YOU make women’s oppression our reality because YOU DO NOT STOP the Trumps of this world! There is no defense! There is no joke! That you think there is any humor or that it is in any way appropriate to dismiss the kind of sexual predation Trump has ALWAYS – YES ALWAYS – lived out, screams FREAKING volumes ABOUT YOU!

JUST SHUT UP YOU MORALLY BANKRUPT ENABLER!